The Fire: Part 2

After a day or so with our very gracious neighbors, the insurance company placed all of us in a temporary, furnished apartment until they could find us a more permanent place to stay. It was kind of comforting to me that we were all together in that little place. It just felt safe a secure with 3 other adults there with me and the 3 children. We put a little portable crib in our room for Tyler, and attempted to get some sleep. At some point in the night, however, I woke up to the smell of smoke! I immediately jumped up with the intentions of saving my baby, and when I looked toward his bed, I saw flames...it looked like the curtains were on fire! I woke Chris up in a panic - only to discover there were no flames...not even any smoke! I was so confused! Had I dreamed it? Imagined it? For the next couple of nights, I continued to wake up to the smell of smoke. I would wake up Chris and ask, "Do you smell smoke?" He'd respond (usually with patience...but not always), "No, Tina. There's no smoke. Go back to sleep."
Well, eventually Monday came - and all the other adults had to go back to work. Tyler and I were alone for the very first time since the fire. Suddenly I was overcome with fear - but not just normal fear - this was irrational fear. See, over the weekend we learned that somebody had set the house on fire ON PURPOSE! They'd even used certain chemicals to cause the fire to burn hotter and faster. There were several cars in the driveway that night. It was obvious that there were people inside. It seemed obvious that whoever started that fire had done so with the intentions of killing us. That thought was suddenly consuming me! All I could think about was that if somebody had tried to kill us - and had not succeeded, then they were probably STILL trying to kill us. So, my first thought was that I should leave and go to a public place. That even became a problem, though, because there was a closet near the front door. I was convinced that there was somebody hiding in that closet just waiting to take my life. I was afraid to walk by that closet to get out of the apartment! I finally ran past it in tears and made it to my car. Once inside my car, a new fear siezed me. I wondered if "they" had wired my car with explosives - "What if it explodes when I start it?" I felt paralyzed! I was beginning to recognize just how irrational I was being, yet at the same time unable to overcome the fear. This type of fear continued in my life for weeks on end. Every night I smelled smoke...again and again. I have to admit now, that I had neither prayed nor read the Bible since the fire. This was not normal for me. Honestly, I had lost my Bible in the fire. But the real reason was I didn't want to face God. Strangely, I'd been telling people how He'd saved our lives and about all the miracles we'd seen. Yet, I was afraid to draw near to Him. It's no coincidence that a dear friend gave me a Bible and a devotion book. I didn't open that Bible for days...but I thought the devotional would be a little "safer." I mean, it was a couples devotional. It was about marriage...not crazy fears! So, I opened it to whatever page had that day's date on it - and the Bible verse for that day was Psalm 27:1, which says, "The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?" I was so shocked that God was speaking to me so directly that I was startled and immediately slammed the book shut and dropped it! Well, several days passed before I got up the nerve to open that book again. So, just like the last time I opened it to the page with that day's date on it. This time the verse at the top of the page was 2 Timothy 1:7, which says, "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love, of power, and of a sound mind." My reaction was the same - I slammed it shut and dropped it! Finally, may days later I tried a third time. This time the verse simply said, "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). This time God's Word pierced my heart! Why had I been doubting HIM? He is GOD! And after all He'd done to prove His power and strength to me, I was still afraid...still doubting Him...still not trusting Him. Suddenly I came to my senses! Oh the freedom and peace that came from surrendering my fears to Him. I slept much better from then on! God's Word is that powerful! God used it to deliver me from my overwhelming fears. The next Sunday we went to church and we sang Amazing Grace. That's always been a special song to me - but this time the lyrics seemed even more beautiful.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now I am found, was blind, but now I see.
Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved,
Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.